Rant of the week 17/06/2014

 

I’m well aware that I’m not the smartest person alive by any means. It feels as though, over the years, it’s been difficult to be who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be like every other person I knew who followed a set path and had absolutely everything planned out perfectly in life. That just wasn’t me. Being from a small community where everyone knows everyone can sometimes be difficult. When everyone knows you and where you’ve come from, it’s difficult to make friends or even be social. As much as I sometimes miss home, I’m glad I made the decision to get out of there and stay away. It cleared my path and made me realize that not everyone has to conform to the regular definition of what life can be. Of course you still need a job and a home, things like that, but you don’t have to constantly worry about what will happen the next day or the next week even. Personally, I tend to worry too much. Sometimes it’s things as little as forgetting to write someone, other times it’s where my own life is headed.

The first month after I moved here, I became very home sick. I missed my best friend, some of my family and my room. Those are the few things I had that made me feel good about myself. I moved here and was fully aware that I knew no one except my mother and her boyfriend. It was difficult for me, it was like that for about two years. As much as I tried to get to know people and be more outgoing, it became more difficult. So I went back home. Hoping that everything would have been the same as when I left was obviously a niave thing to think, but I hoped for the best. Nothing was the same. I didn’t feel welcomed in the home where I spent a quarter of my life, my “friends” didn’t want me around because they moved on and got jobs and such, my family were mostly assholes as usual although my sisters made the trip bearable. The only thing that didn’t change, at all, was my best friend. Even though we spent a ton of time together, I felt something was missing. I made the decision to move back here and was completely determined to make a change.

I moved back, yet again. I had no money, knew no one still but I didn’t let it hold me back. I was motivated for the first time in my life. I felt more confident and through a strange series of events, I managed to land a job at the local gas bar. It was a life changing experience, believe it or not. For the first time ever I made friends with co workers, made friends through co workers and enjoyed working every day. Having an awesome boss who also happened to have an amazing family that made me feel like I was valued as a person made all the difference in the world. My co-workers never failed to make me laugh and I can’t remember a single shift at that job where I went an hour without a smile. I met so many great people, met a lot of really close friends and finally felt happy for once. I worked and felt nearly complete, but it always felt as though something was missing. As human nature goes, I wanted to find out what it was. So after nearly two and a half years, I quit… twice. I decided it was time for a bigger change, so I applied to a bunch of higher paying jobs. Through some sort of miracle, a friend got me a great job with even greater people. It was exactly what I needed.

Again I worked a job I loved, met even more people along the way but most importantly I met someone who I feel has changed my life forever. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for my best friend, Mandy. She’s by far the most dependable, trustworthy and reliable person I’ve ever met, but she also gets my odd sense of humor. The chaos of my mind met the barricade of knowledge and artistic alure that was her mind. It was awesome. She brings light into my life and I couldn’t be happier. Through being completely happy, I realized that I still want more for me and my own life. I want to create something more and be more as a person so I decided to get past all the emotions, anxiety and deep seated fear I had to try to move on and become who I truly wanted to be. I stumbled for a bit but then realized that I have much more support than I first thought. By falling and picking myself up, I’ve found friends old and new that make me feel more human and more humble each day. I have never been happier, nor have I ever been so grateful to have people in my life that I can always rely on to make each day a memorable one. So no matter if it’s sitting around watching movies, listening to someone practice the guitar in the early morning or spending the evening walking and talking, my life is what I choose it to be.

 

It’s overwhelmingly awesome.

The good memories… and the bad.

I was alone for most of my younger years, I had plenty of family and stuff but I just didn’t talk much and I liked to be left by myself. I started to draw things that I saw in books. I had nightmares about some of the things I would draw but it didn’t stop me, I guess I wanted to see how far my imagination would stretch.

Then when I turned 6 I got a puppy and my life changed forever. I had someone that cared for me more than i cared about myself. Soon, the nightmares went away because I would always dream about happy things. I would draw little comics about the adventures I used to go on with my dog and find new ways to create scenes that would look good on paper. Anyways I got more involved with art and began to draw things at school for my new friends but always my dog was on my mind and I couldn’t wait to get home for another adventure.

About 12 years passed and every day my dog was with me. One day I got angry at everything and decided that it was time for me to go alone in the world and I moved out and found a job for a short time. I didn’t really make it on my own and eventually a few months later I moved back home.

I’ll never forget that feeling of not being able to wait to get home to see my dog, the excitement was overwhelming and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit still.

We finally reached home and i burst out the car door and ran to the front step and opened the house door eagerly… But nothing… No loud pounding of my brute coming to welcome me, no happy wagging of the tail and barking as if to say i missed you… Nothing… After months of wishing I could take everything back and go home but not being able to, I find out that my best friend, the greatest being through my eyes, passed away…

Not a moment will ever go by on this earth that I wont regret not spending his last few months with him. I’d give anything to go back, but I can’t. Not a day will go by that I wont miss him and there will never be a day when I think i could replace him. I had lost the only thing that truly mattered in my life, and I can’t go back to say goodbye…

I still have his picture in my wallet, I always will.