Rant of the week 17/06/2014

 

I’m well aware that I’m not the smartest person alive by any means. It feels as though, over the years, it’s been difficult to be who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be like every other person I knew who followed a set path and had absolutely everything planned out perfectly in life. That just wasn’t me. Being from a small community where everyone knows everyone can sometimes be difficult. When everyone knows you and where you’ve come from, it’s difficult to make friends or even be social. As much as I sometimes miss home, I’m glad I made the decision to get out of there and stay away. It cleared my path and made me realize that not everyone has to conform to the regular definition of what life can be. Of course you still need a job and a home, things like that, but you don’t have to constantly worry about what will happen the next day or the next week even. Personally, I tend to worry too much. Sometimes it’s things as little as forgetting to write someone, other times it’s where my own life is headed.

The first month after I moved here, I became very home sick. I missed my best friend, some of my family and my room. Those are the few things I had that made me feel good about myself. I moved here and was fully aware that I knew no one except my mother and her boyfriend. It was difficult for me, it was like that for about two years. As much as I tried to get to know people and be more outgoing, it became more difficult. So I went back home. Hoping that everything would have been the same as when I left was obviously a niave thing to think, but I hoped for the best. Nothing was the same. I didn’t feel welcomed in the home where I spent a quarter of my life, my “friends” didn’t want me around because they moved on and got jobs and such, my family were mostly assholes as usual although my sisters made the trip bearable. The only thing that didn’t change, at all, was my best friend. Even though we spent a ton of time together, I felt something was missing. I made the decision to move back here and was completely determined to make a change.

I moved back, yet again. I had no money, knew no one still but I didn’t let it hold me back. I was motivated for the first time in my life. I felt more confident and through a strange series of events, I managed to land a job at the local gas bar. It was a life changing experience, believe it or not. For the first time ever I made friends with co workers, made friends through co workers and enjoyed working every day. Having an awesome boss who also happened to have an amazing family that made me feel like I was valued as a person made all the difference in the world. My co-workers never failed to make me laugh and I can’t remember a single shift at that job where I went an hour without a smile. I met so many great people, met a lot of really close friends and finally felt happy for once. I worked and felt nearly complete, but it always felt as though something was missing. As human nature goes, I wanted to find out what it was. So after nearly two and a half years, I quit… twice. I decided it was time for a bigger change, so I applied to a bunch of higher paying jobs. Through some sort of miracle, a friend got me a great job with even greater people. It was exactly what I needed.

Again I worked a job I loved, met even more people along the way but most importantly I met someone who I feel has changed my life forever. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for my best friend, Mandy. She’s by far the most dependable, trustworthy and reliable person I’ve ever met, but she also gets my odd sense of humor. The chaos of my mind met the barricade of knowledge and artistic alure that was her mind. It was awesome. She brings light into my life and I couldn’t be happier. Through being completely happy, I realized that I still want more for me and my own life. I want to create something more and be more as a person so I decided to get past all the emotions, anxiety and deep seated fear I had to try to move on and become who I truly wanted to be. I stumbled for a bit but then realized that I have much more support than I first thought. By falling and picking myself up, I’ve found friends old and new that make me feel more human and more humble each day. I have never been happier, nor have I ever been so grateful to have people in my life that I can always rely on to make each day a memorable one. So no matter if it’s sitting around watching movies, listening to someone practice the guitar in the early morning or spending the evening walking and talking, my life is what I choose it to be.

 

It’s overwhelmingly awesome.

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