Thought of the day

March 29th 2021


I kind of hate the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

It doesn’t make you stronger from surviving, it scars you. The scars you see and feel each day are a constant reminder of whatever stupid shit got you into that situation in the first place.

All you can do is learn from it and move forward.

What makes you stronger is who you choose to have in your life as you move forward. That’s when you realize that the scars that were a terrible reminder become a story, a stepping stone from your past, that will continue to be there but now it hurts less.

Scars will heal, memories won’t, but that’s okay. You’ll be okay.

The Wayfarer’s Lullaby

Sea Shanty.



The winds call me home
With words of rain,
the skies turning grey
through each window pane,
The hope that will free
My mornings with light,
eclipsed by the shoreline
my hearth is in sight.

Yo ho all hands
Refill my tankard
And I’ll tell you a tale
Of the depths of the oceans
And the dreams I once had
Tales of the storms we all have to withstand
Yo ho all hands.

Anticipation for each wave
all feels the same,
the ale flows ice cold
Into each vein,
My mind had been battered
like the hull through thunder,
A broken man now
awaiting the long slumber.

Yo ho all hands
Refill my tankard
And ill tell you a tale
Of the harshness of women
And why the seas aren’t as bad
Tales of the storms we all have to withstand
Yo ho all hands.

I will never again see
Such glory and riches,
salt air still smiles with me
Through the wounds and stiches,
But still I’ll stand tall
Hold my head up high,
Each chug of rum
Is it’s own battle cry.

Yo ho all hands
Refill my tankard
And ill tell you a tale
Of lands far away
And the friendships I had
Tales of the storms we all have to withstand
Yo ho all hands.

The yarns I carry with me
aren’t all filled with dread,
memory of family
with the sunrise ahead,
A smile and the tears
Worth their weight in gold,
Lost to the seas
And a story untold.

Yo ho all hands
Refill my tankard
And ill tell you a tale
Of who I once was
And what I could have had
Tales of the storms we all have to withstand
Yo ho all hands.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will always be better than yesterday. No matter how much we try to change the things that have been done and said, we just simply can’t. All we can do is look forward to tomorrow. No matter what happens in life, there will always be a tomorrow. I like to try and live my life knowing that pain never lasts. No matter how bad that pain may seem, it will pass. I know that in the moment, that pain seems like it will last forever, but the truth is that something or someone will come along and make the pain you’re experiencing just a memory. If things go well enough, it could become a memory that is eventually forgotten. There’s always hope. There’s always happiness. There’s always a reason to smile. So if you’re feeling down today, just know that your reason to smile is out there somewhere, even if it takes until tomorrow to find.

“Parts of Me”

I’ll be your shoulder
and keep you amused
I’ll be the one that randomly
brings you foods,
although not cake or bacon
because I ate them all.
I’ll be there for hugs
and always watch your back
stick things down your boobs
and between your butt crack,
I’m starting to think you only like me
because I’m tall.

But that doesn’t really bother me at all.

Because I’m not an asshole
but you’ll call me the biggest turd
even though you’re not a total bitch
you’re beautiful beyond words,
everything about you so far
kinda makes me pretty happy
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.

So, you know I’m good for cuddles
or something on Netflix
it’ll probably turn to something more
by now I’m used to all your tricks,
I’ll stay awake for most of the night
it’s like I’m protecting you from harm.
Your hair gets in the way a lot
it makes it hard to breathe
but I’m half scared to move a bit
because you’ll get mad at me,
but I just need to let you know
you’re drooling all over my arm.

It’s kinda gross.

But then again it’s nice that you’re right here
but you really need nasal strips
you snore like a motor boat
that’s grinding up wood chips,
I know I might sound just as bad
but at least I’m not distracting you from this movie
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.
I’ll even take you to dinner
somewhere really nice
I’ll order a bunch of things for myself
and I know you’ll order rice,
We both know you’re not going to eat
plain white rice and a crouton.
You’ll pick and choose things from my plate
and sneak things when I turn around
you’re like a ninja in the night
your mouth is full and you don’t make a sound,
and then I wonder where
half of my order had gone.

I wonder…

But you’re the highlight of my day
and it’s nice to sit and chat
even listening to the fourteen stories
you have today about your cat,
but I’ll sit and listen and nod
I’d do whatever makes you happy
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.

We will spend time out in public
late night walks through the streets
we’ll laugh and fart and be loud
thinking what the hell did we even eat,
Probably something a little more
than what you got from the menu.
things will suddenly get serious
as we’re staring at the stars
holding hands in our favourite place
only place I’d want to be, by far,
As long as I’m only there
with you.

There’s probably aliens looking at us right now though.

Alright, okay, you’re not so bad, I’ll take you home
you always make me smile
I can’t be serious while you’re in your underwear
never mind, there they go, that took a while,
I’ll teach you how to play some video games
once you get the hang of it, I’ll leave you be
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.

The key, the box and the gift inside.

Patience is key. Laughter and happiness are gifts brought into your life inside of a box made from the hands of everyone that has helped you through your tough times. The lock that holds the box shut is made from the words and actions of the people who want to hold you back. As long as you have patience, you have what is necessary to keep the lock from closing. As long as it’s unlocked, you’re able to experience and appreciate the efforts of others in their every day efforts to lift your spirits. The nicer you are to people, the easier it is for them to open their own boxes to discover what makes them happy and help others in the same way.

May the 11th

I went to sleep early Monday night, around 11:30pm. I ended up waking up from dreaming and thinking about some friends, hoping that they were doing well but I couldn’t get back to sleep. So, around 2:00am I decided to go for a walk. I slowly made my way down the road and looked up, realizing that the skies were alive with the northern lights. At first, they seemed dim and I kept walking, still slowly down the road where I lived a year ago. It felt like the further I walked, the more the skies lit up. It’s funny how something as beautiful as the night sky becomes even more spectacular from time to time. Again, I kept walking, watching the sky and realizing that it was the most carefree I’ve been in a long time. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve moved out into a friend’s place. I’m starting to pull myself together, looking forward to things to come and staying optimistic about everything happening. A year goes by pretty quickly and as I strolled down that road with the sky lighting my way in a way I’ve never seen before, I started thinking that it doesn’t matter how far away things seem or how bleak they may be, with time everything falls into place. I began to get closer to home. The darkness of the night started to fade with the blue of the upcoming sunrise and I felt truly happy. It’s something that I never want to let go of. All I know is that the older I get, the shorter distances seem and the more thankful I become for the people in my life.

December 3rd, midnight ramblings.

If you could go back to your five year old self, what would you say? Would you just give encouragement to try and better your own life or try and convince yourself that you would rather just let things be? Would you try to tell yourself that you want to take a certain path with a specific career or would you try and put yourself on a more difficult path because you know you could handle it? It’s definitely one of the more difficult things to ponder upon. It’s difficult to image what your life would be like if you chose to make better decisions sooner, but I guess that’s human nature to want to go back and tell yourself what your future could be like if only you made the right choices. But then again when you’re five, the right choice might be whether or not to color the sky green or not.

If I could go back, I’d tell myself not to worry so much. I was always worried when I was a kid. I always worried about living up to my older siblings and wanted to be better than them at everything. I worried about my family noticing me for who I was instead of focusing on my mistakes. I worried about what people thought of me too much and I feel as though that had a major effect on the way I acted. I was energetic, but I was timid and this led me to want to be on my own more and focus on things that directly envolved myself while trying not to bother anyone else. I would go back and tell myself to be more creative and outgoing that I had been, to always believe in myself more than anyone else could as well as tell myself to always mingle and try to make more friends than I had. One thing is for sure though, I would have told myself not to color within the lines so much and that you can always add to something to make it better. Not obeying the rules sometimes is what makes life just a little more exciting, as long as it doesn’t get you in too much trouble.

Now that I’m older and I get a chance to reflect on the way I was and the way I am now, It gives me a chance to think about my family more. I have a nephew and two wonderful nieces who I hope will succeed more in life than myself or their parents ever could. They’re a bright bunch of kids with immensely bright futures before them. The girls seem creative and always pushing themselves to learn as much as they can. Then there’s Mason, my nephew. It’s scary how you can see yourself in someone that’s a lot younger than you but understand completely that he’s trying his best but still likes to joke around, have fun and relax to some video games. All I can hope for them is that they push themselves and become motivated enough to do what they truly want to do in life. Whatever will make them happy is what we’ll support them doing.

If i had to give a message to each one of them, I’d tell Taylor to keep being creative and imagine new things that no one else has. I’d tell Abigayle to be more like her mother, that’s for sure, but also keep drawing. I enjoy seeing her drawings because it also reminds me of how I was. I’d tell Mason to keep playing games and create his own identity that he thinks everyone will look up to. I know it sounds odd but I know now from years of experience that it will help him focus and be more determined when it comes to everyday things and decisions as well as better prepare him for a future of awesomeness. One thing I’ll be sure to remind them though is that they shouldn’t let anyone bring them down or tell them that their hobbies are distracting them from real life. It’s what they want to do and we have no way of knowing if they’ll become famous for it eventually. Hopefully if they do, they’ll remember me and buy me a nice house, though.

November Ramblings 23/11/2014

I’ve always found that the most difficult thing in life is finding people you connect with enough to consider friends. I’m not the type of person to just randomly walk up to someone and introduce myself. Seeing people and meeting people face to face. But every now and then I just see something in someone that just screams to me “I have to get to know this person”. I can’t really describe it, but it’s a feeling that will nag at my mind until I give in to it. I see something in someone that reminds me of myself or my favorite things and I guess it becomes irresistible. They might be the most ordinary or extraordinary, but most times they turn out to be crazy, fun and definitely worth the chance. It’s not often you come across people that you feel as though belong in your life and you feel as though without them, your life wouldn’t be complete. Every once in a while you meet people who you feel as though have broken away from your very soul and returned years later to tell you the stories that you’ve missed out on.

A lot of the time, you get to know people, grow up with them and suddenly, they aren’t there anymore. It could be from just clashing opinions to the situations we face or from lack of interest. The funny thing is, we always seem to get past whatever it was that came between us and sometimes even forget for a time but then remember the good things that brought us together in the first place. It’s really important, for obvious reasons, that we never forget what built a foundation for us to get to know people. It’s difficult to remember sometimes but eventually something will spark in our minds to casually let us ponder upon the moment where we’ve first thought “I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but you’re weird and I like it”.

I’ve come to realize that I have so many people in my life, an increasing and unique population of people that make each day as bright as I could ever need it to be and then some. Whether they be acquaintances, random people from the internet, family or close friends, we’re all caught in a net of being connected to each other somehow. It could be something as simple as watching the same kind of television shows to being in the same confusing situation, brought together by the need to solve an issue by working together. Either way, we find a way to stay close to the people we come to care about and not feel badly when leaving others out of the circle because we know that, eventually, they will find the same things we have, just through other people.

People often tend to “lose their way” on their own path that they choose. I know from personal experience what it’s like to feel like you have nothing or no one around to keep your mind distracted from things that are bothering you. I’ve been dealing with social anxiety for a while now and it never gets any easier alone. But as soon as you find those few people who you feel completely comfortable with and that you can’t live a day without, things begin to get better. You feel more free and feel as though an incredible weight is lifted off your body enough to look up and hold your head higher than before. Other times you find things to do to get your mind off of the people that mean most to you and attempt to take a break from the strain of not being able to connect with people the way you believe you should.

Just don’t worry. In time, everything comes together. Old bonds arise once again, completely new bonds form and from this, a new net is formed to reflect who you are. Without your friends who create the net, there’s no one there to catch you if you fall. The bonds you create that keep the net together. The connections you keep define who will be there to help you back to your feet. It isn’t a one way road, there’s always give and take with every relationship you come across. The key to all of this is to help keep someone else’s net as strong as they make yours so that you can help them if they need you. You’ll never truly know someone, only the person they choose to show us. The main thing is to believe in the people that matter to you because, after all, they’re the ones that make you feel as though you matter.

October rant and random thoughts

Some days feel more tough than others. I sit here, constantly thinking about everything going on and taking things day by day, hoping everything will work out. Hearing each breath I’m taking, staying quiet enough to hear each heartbeat pump through my body. Caught within a storm in my own mind that I can’t control. I know I’m not the only person to ever feel this way even if sometimes things are seemingly shutting down in front of me and shutting me out. Some days, I feel lost and hurt. Other days, I’m overjoyed to even be awake. Finding reasons to get up out of bed in the morning is, for the most part, one of the more difficult things I’ve ever had to do. All I know is that I’ll be alright, in one way or another because I’m too damn stubborn give up on myself or keep myself from trying.

A lot of people won’t agree with me on this topic, but I feel as though everyone feels loss in their own unique way. If it’s someone you love, someone you’ve known or someone you haven’t even heard of before until that point in time. You hear people’s voices, read their stories and think to yourself “What would I have done in that same situation?”. The answer isn’t as simple as everyone would believe. It isn’t as easy to choose to believe that things will never be better than they are or trust in ourselves that everything will be alright and maybe even better eventually. Whether we like it or not, we will all experience loss. No matter who you are or where you come from in the world, it’s the one thing that’s absolutely inevitable. But the good side of all this loss and all of this pain is that others have gone through something similar. It may have not been exactly what you yourself have faced, but you never have to bare alone.

In my own personal opinion, there are three paths and choices people make with every thought. They are “This will never be good enough” the negative path, “This is as good as it gets” the positive path and “This can be so much better” the progressive path. I feel as though every decision we make will first rely on one of these choices. Take for instance something as simple as going outside during a day. You could decide “I won’t go outside today, even if it is nice out”. There’s “Okay, I’m outside, but I’ll go around the block for a little walk. That would be pretty good”. Then there’s “Yesterday I went around the block, maybe today I’ll go further”. Our smallest decisions may seem minuscule compared to our normal goals and aspirations, but they all have their own special place of the jigsaw puzzle of life that we have to figure out.

In order to succeed, you need to fail first. The only way to live is to believe in yourself and don’t let anyone else bring you down or say you aren’t capable of doing something. They can’t judge your potential because it’s only something you know from your own experiences. Never be afraid to make mistakes because everyone has. The reason why we make mistakes is so that we can learn from them, dust ourselves off and see things from a different perspective. We may not be able to choose the life we were born into, but we can choose who we will become and carve our own path. The road that leads you to better yourself isn’t an easy one nor is it set in stone. It’s full of ups, downs and caverns that you have to try your best to walk on. It takes a lot to stay on your own two feet sometimes. Just remember that if you do fall, the only way left to go is up.

Rant of the week 17/06/2014

 

I’m well aware that I’m not the smartest person alive by any means. It feels as though, over the years, it’s been difficult to be who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be like every other person I knew who followed a set path and had absolutely everything planned out perfectly in life. That just wasn’t me. Being from a small community where everyone knows everyone can sometimes be difficult. When everyone knows you and where you’ve come from, it’s difficult to make friends or even be social. As much as I sometimes miss home, I’m glad I made the decision to get out of there and stay away. It cleared my path and made me realize that not everyone has to conform to the regular definition of what life can be. Of course you still need a job and a home, things like that, but you don’t have to constantly worry about what will happen the next day or the next week even. Personally, I tend to worry too much. Sometimes it’s things as little as forgetting to write someone, other times it’s where my own life is headed.

The first month after I moved here, I became very home sick. I missed my best friend, some of my family and my room. Those are the few things I had that made me feel good about myself. I moved here and was fully aware that I knew no one except my mother and her boyfriend. It was difficult for me, it was like that for about two years. As much as I tried to get to know people and be more outgoing, it became more difficult. So I went back home. Hoping that everything would have been the same as when I left was obviously a niave thing to think, but I hoped for the best. Nothing was the same. I didn’t feel welcomed in the home where I spent a quarter of my life, my “friends” didn’t want me around because they moved on and got jobs and such, my family were mostly assholes as usual although my sisters made the trip bearable. The only thing that didn’t change, at all, was my best friend. Even though we spent a ton of time together, I felt something was missing. I made the decision to move back here and was completely determined to make a change.

I moved back, yet again. I had no money, knew no one still but I didn’t let it hold me back. I was motivated for the first time in my life. I felt more confident and through a strange series of events, I managed to land a job at the local gas bar. It was a life changing experience, believe it or not. For the first time ever I made friends with co workers, made friends through co workers and enjoyed working every day. Having an awesome boss who also happened to have an amazing family that made me feel like I was valued as a person made all the difference in the world. My co-workers never failed to make me laugh and I can’t remember a single shift at that job where I went an hour without a smile. I met so many great people, met a lot of really close friends and finally felt happy for once. I worked and felt nearly complete, but it always felt as though something was missing. As human nature goes, I wanted to find out what it was. So after nearly two and a half years, I quit… twice. I decided it was time for a bigger change, so I applied to a bunch of higher paying jobs. Through some sort of miracle, a friend got me a great job with even greater people. It was exactly what I needed.

Again I worked a job I loved, met even more people along the way but most importantly I met someone who I feel has changed my life forever. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for my best friend, Mandy. She’s by far the most dependable, trustworthy and reliable person I’ve ever met, but she also gets my odd sense of humor. The chaos of my mind met the barricade of knowledge and artistic alure that was her mind. It was awesome. She brings light into my life and I couldn’t be happier. Through being completely happy, I realized that I still want more for me and my own life. I want to create something more and be more as a person so I decided to get past all the emotions, anxiety and deep seated fear I had to try to move on and become who I truly wanted to be. I stumbled for a bit but then realized that I have much more support than I first thought. By falling and picking myself up, I’ve found friends old and new that make me feel more human and more humble each day. I have never been happier, nor have I ever been so grateful to have people in my life that I can always rely on to make each day a memorable one. So no matter if it’s sitting around watching movies, listening to someone practice the guitar in the early morning or spending the evening walking and talking, my life is what I choose it to be.

 

It’s overwhelmingly awesome.