October rant and random thoughts

Some days feel more tough than others. I sit here, constantly thinking about everything going on and taking things day by day, hoping everything will work out. Hearing each breath I’m taking, staying quiet enough to hear each heartbeat pump through my body. Caught within a storm in my own mind that I can’t control. I know I’m not the only person to ever feel this way even if sometimes things are seemingly shutting down in front of me and shutting me out. Some days, I feel lost and hurt. Other days, I’m overjoyed to even be awake. Finding reasons to get up out of bed in the morning is, for the most part, one of the more difficult things I’ve ever had to do. All I know is that I’ll be alright, in one way or another because I’m too damn stubborn give up on myself or keep myself from trying.

A lot of people won’t agree with me on this topic, but I feel as though everyone feels loss in their own unique way. If it’s someone you love, someone you’ve known or someone you haven’t even heard of before until that point in time. You hear people’s voices, read their stories and think to yourself “What would I have done in that same situation?”. The answer isn’t as simple as everyone would believe. It isn’t as easy to choose to believe that things will never be better than they are or trust in ourselves that everything will be alright and maybe even better eventually. Whether we like it or not, we will all experience loss. No matter who you are or where you come from in the world, it’s the one thing that’s absolutely inevitable. But the good side of all this loss and all of this pain is that others have gone through something similar. It may have not been exactly what you yourself have faced, but you never have to bare alone.

In my own personal opinion, there are three paths and choices people make with every thought. They are “This will never be good enough” the negative path, “This is as good as it gets” the positive path and “This can be so much better” the progressive path. I feel as though every decision we make will first rely on one of these choices. Take for instance something as simple as going outside during a day. You could decide “I won’t go outside today, even if it is nice out”. There’s “Okay, I’m outside, but I’ll go around the block for a little walk. That would be pretty good”. Then there’s “Yesterday I went around the block, maybe today I’ll go further”. Our smallest decisions may seem minuscule compared to our normal goals and aspirations, but they all have their own special place of the jigsaw puzzle of life that we have to figure out.

In order to succeed, you need to fail first. The only way to live is to believe in yourself and don’t let anyone else bring you down or say you aren’t capable of doing something. They can’t judge your potential because it’s only something you know from your own experiences. Never be afraid to make mistakes because everyone has. The reason why we make mistakes is so that we can learn from them, dust ourselves off and see things from a different perspective. We may not be able to choose the life we were born into, but we can choose who we will become and carve our own path. The road that leads you to better yourself isn’t an easy one nor is it set in stone. It’s full of ups, downs and caverns that you have to try your best to walk on. It takes a lot to stay on your own two feet sometimes. Just remember that if you do fall, the only way left to go is up.

Rant of the week 17/06/2014

 

I’m well aware that I’m not the smartest person alive by any means. It feels as though, over the years, it’s been difficult to be who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be like every other person I knew who followed a set path and had absolutely everything planned out perfectly in life. That just wasn’t me. Being from a small community where everyone knows everyone can sometimes be difficult. When everyone knows you and where you’ve come from, it’s difficult to make friends or even be social. As much as I sometimes miss home, I’m glad I made the decision to get out of there and stay away. It cleared my path and made me realize that not everyone has to conform to the regular definition of what life can be. Of course you still need a job and a home, things like that, but you don’t have to constantly worry about what will happen the next day or the next week even. Personally, I tend to worry too much. Sometimes it’s things as little as forgetting to write someone, other times it’s where my own life is headed.

The first month after I moved here, I became very home sick. I missed my best friend, some of my family and my room. Those are the few things I had that made me feel good about myself. I moved here and was fully aware that I knew no one except my mother and her boyfriend. It was difficult for me, it was like that for about two years. As much as I tried to get to know people and be more outgoing, it became more difficult. So I went back home. Hoping that everything would have been the same as when I left was obviously a niave thing to think, but I hoped for the best. Nothing was the same. I didn’t feel welcomed in the home where I spent a quarter of my life, my “friends” didn’t want me around because they moved on and got jobs and such, my family were mostly assholes as usual although my sisters made the trip bearable. The only thing that didn’t change, at all, was my best friend. Even though we spent a ton of time together, I felt something was missing. I made the decision to move back here and was completely determined to make a change.

I moved back, yet again. I had no money, knew no one still but I didn’t let it hold me back. I was motivated for the first time in my life. I felt more confident and through a strange series of events, I managed to land a job at the local gas bar. It was a life changing experience, believe it or not. For the first time ever I made friends with co workers, made friends through co workers and enjoyed working every day. Having an awesome boss who also happened to have an amazing family that made me feel like I was valued as a person made all the difference in the world. My co-workers never failed to make me laugh and I can’t remember a single shift at that job where I went an hour without a smile. I met so many great people, met a lot of really close friends and finally felt happy for once. I worked and felt nearly complete, but it always felt as though something was missing. As human nature goes, I wanted to find out what it was. So after nearly two and a half years, I quit… twice. I decided it was time for a bigger change, so I applied to a bunch of higher paying jobs. Through some sort of miracle, a friend got me a great job with even greater people. It was exactly what I needed.

Again I worked a job I loved, met even more people along the way but most importantly I met someone who I feel has changed my life forever. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for my best friend, Mandy. She’s by far the most dependable, trustworthy and reliable person I’ve ever met, but she also gets my odd sense of humor. The chaos of my mind met the barricade of knowledge and artistic alure that was her mind. It was awesome. She brings light into my life and I couldn’t be happier. Through being completely happy, I realized that I still want more for me and my own life. I want to create something more and be more as a person so I decided to get past all the emotions, anxiety and deep seated fear I had to try to move on and become who I truly wanted to be. I stumbled for a bit but then realized that I have much more support than I first thought. By falling and picking myself up, I’ve found friends old and new that make me feel more human and more humble each day. I have never been happier, nor have I ever been so grateful to have people in my life that I can always rely on to make each day a memorable one. So no matter if it’s sitting around watching movies, listening to someone practice the guitar in the early morning or spending the evening walking and talking, my life is what I choose it to be.

 

It’s overwhelmingly awesome.

Rant of the week 21/05/2015

         I find it difficult sometimes to describe how I feel about life and the things going on in it at the current moment. Looking back on things and thinking about each moment more clearly helps me to realize that every “mistake” I’ve made, hasn’t really been a mistake at all. People do things all the time that they regret, but they really shouldn’t. You learn from the things you think you did wrong. I’d compare it mostly to a math problem. You could easily say two and two are five together and people will tell you it’s wrong and you’ll learn that in being wrong, your knowlege expands so you can comprehend the true answer. The same goes for every day things in life as well. You’ll find things difficult at times because it will seem as though you have the wrong answers to everything, but that’s how you learn. There are other ways to go about situations or tasks that make you feel as though your doing something wrong from your point of view, but someone else may think it’s the best way to go about things. Sometimes a little collaboration goes a long way. The worst thing that can happen is that you fail and if you fail, so what? Learn from your error and better your response or help one another work things out so that it benefits more than one individual.

        I feel as though I see things from a different point of view than most people. I see a bad day like an empty glass that’s ready to be filled with joy and laughter to make the bad parts of it less painful. Sometimes it doesn’t help at all. Some days the dark cloud that looms overhead doesn’t want to break apart and let the sun shine through to brighten your day. Other times the drearyness seems to fall apart with a simple smile. I find my friends are the better part of me. They make each moment, each memory and each emotion feel more intense than they would be if I was alone. I could watch hilarious movies for days and not even crack a smile but with friends, everything feels better. I’d much rather spend an hour with a friend doing absolutely nothing than spend an entire day completely alone. For that hour it can feel as though you don’t have a worry in the world because you’re spending time with someone that will understand your sarcasm and humor. With each joke, sarcastic comment or item being thrown at you, you become more aware that without friends the gloomy day will keep on nagging at you until you’re driven mad. But the important thing is that you also realize that with each of those moments comes another memory for the both of you to look back on fondly.

       Expressing myself is something that I’ve also had difficulties with in the past. Nothing is worse than being hyper and energetic about waking up and accomplishing something that day but have nothing to do that you can think of. There are always plenty of things to do. For me, it’s my art, my writing, all kinds of games and music. Not only do I get to write and visualize my feelings and emotions in print and on paper, but I get to do it for everyone to see. It feels incredible to focus on something and finish it and know that whatever was on your mind or stressing you out is meaningless compared to what you’ve just done. Allowing myself to open up to the general public and the people I know helped me crawl out of my shell of being told what I couldn’t do, which had opened my eyes to the wonderous amount of things that I know I can and will do. If someone tells you that you can’t do something, try anyways. At least then you’ll know for yourself if they were right and get to see the look on their face if they’re wrong. Life doesn’t seem to be about what you can’t do or the things you’re told are impossible. It’s about standing up and believing in yourself enough to know that you can do the things you want to do, accomplish goals and become a better you. You wont get better from believing you can’t do something. You’ll become better from knowing that you, at least, gave it a chance.