“The Rocks and the Water”

I want to feel your kiss
and to be called yours
too long I’ve been the earth
and you have been my sea,
I’ve been looking out upon you
from stone riddled cliffs
wanting your love
to wash over me.

I would reach out for miles
wanting to hold you
falling apart piece by piece
but you could only wave,
I cover myself at night
confined to what little comfort
from the sandy blankets
that we have made.

You are the moon
to my star lit sky
making my view more amazing
than I ever thought it could be,
still I desire you
only to embrace you as my own
for I am your earth
and you are my sea.

Trouting.

It’s funny how things come to mind, even after a decade of not thinking about it. I remember one morning I woke up and my dad told me that him and my grandfather were going trouting the next day and he asked if I wanted to go. I remember that being a particular strange week for me because it was report card week in school and naturally, I hadn’t done very well, so it was definitely a surprise that he asked me to go with them. So for a few hours I sat in my room and thought about it and eventually decided to go.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to fix my rod and reel because it had become tangled. It was just a regular run of the mill rod and reel you can get at any hardware store for under twenty dollars but it was the only one I had and it felt pretty great to fix something. My father and I ended up going to visit my grandfather to make sure everything was going to go as planned and we could just get up and go the next morning. While we were there I found out that he preferred fly fishing and had a hand made pole with a cork grip that he was planning on using, the kind of rod that looked like it took a lot of time and effort to make and was maintained regularly. My father and my grandfather rummaged through old lures and flies that they would use the next day and as we left, my father made sure to remind him to bring his trouting basket with the old leather strap on it which looked like it was fashioned from an old belt. My grandfather seemed to scold my father as if to say “of course I’ll bring it, I’m not senile yet”. I remember the drive home and the excitement on my fathers face. I was certain he had gone insane, but he was happy about it.

I woke up the next morning, it was early, the sun wasn’t up yet and my father was just outside my room in the kitchen making himself breakfast. I chose not to have anything because I knew that he would stop into a gas station and grab some cookies, chips and drinks for the day to snack on. I got ready and stuffed an extra pair of socks in my coat and got a bag together of some licorice and a bottle of water. After grabbing my gear and throwing my items into my dad’s blue pickup truck, I began to get excited for the day even though I found it unusual to be awake that early. We then proceeded down the road with no seat belts on because that’s how we did things when I was a kid. We got to my grandfathers house and he waddled out of one of his sheds in full rubber gear to the truck where I got out of the front seat and sat on the less comfortable seat in the back. My grandmother waved from their doorway as we pulled away from their house and finally, we were on the road to start the day.

We were headed from Bonavista to Port Rexton, which was only about a half hour drive if you were going around the speed limit, but first the truck needed fuel. I knew this would be a great time to make a request as to what I wanted my dad to buy me while he was in the shop but unfortunately he had gotten out of the truck before I could decide. He came back to the truck, handed my grandfather a small bag with some items in it and he tossed me a bag with things in it too. Sour cream and onion chips, a Reeses peanut butter cup bar and some pepsi. It always amazed me that he knew exactly what I wanted.

He then started the beast up and pulled out of the gas station parking lot and made for the highway. I was half asleep already, my small lunch was nearly gone at this point, the sun was just starting to break over the tree covered hills and my dad, being the classic man that he is, popped in his very memorable mixed tape. I had spent a lot of time in vehicles with my dad from the time I could remember to the time I graduated high school. I can remember at least seven vehicles that didn’t withstand the test of time but somehow that ridiculously relaxing tape had survived. From Kid Rock’s “Only God knows why”, Ozzy’s “Crazy Train” and Prince and the Revolution’s “Purple Rain” to Metallica’s “Turn the Page”, 51-40’s “Casual Viewin'” and The Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz”, that tape had it all. Those songs will be burned into the deepest corners of my memories to the point that if I ever get amnesia, at least I’ll still have something from my childhood.

After what seemed like forever and darting in and out of being asleep, we went up a long hill where there was a small area for us to pull in. We got out of the truck, grabbed all of the gear that we brought with us and started down through the trees to my fathers favorite trouting spot. My grandfather had a little difficulty because he was old and had issues with his legs, but he kept going and was determined to put his hooks in that water. We kept going over rocks and through trees with vehicles going by on the road to the left of us over a hill. We kept trudging through the forest and moss until we got to a rushing torrent of water and an old, rickety bridge that had seen better days. That’s when we split up and started hunting for a spot where we would spend the remainder of the day.

My grandfather was a little eager. He ended up taking out his multitude of flies and tying one on right there on that bridge and decided to drop his line into the rushing water. To my amazement he was the first to catch something and gave out a bellowing “I got one” Just so my dad could hear him, wherever he had gone. While he kept at his shenanigans on the bridge, I figured I’d head out to a small point near the waters edge where I would cast my line and that’s when I noticed my father was about a hundred feet away from me to my left, further down the shoreline. I got my bait ready and started casting when I heard my father call out that he had gotten a fish, finally. By this point I was sure that my grandfather had caught half a dozen, either that or he was just singing to himself.

I had a few nibbles on my line but it was clear to me that the two older gentlemen were catching everything in sight and were leaving nothing for me. I decided to attach a bobber to my line, wedge my rod between a rock and a tree, then proceeded to sit down and just wait. After getting tired of waiting, I started up through the trees between where the bridge was and where my father had been. There wasn’t much to see, a few squirrels, some birds but all together an underwhelming experience. I didn’t want to stray too far so I thought I’d turn back, maybe by now something had to have been on the end of my line. I remember heading back the same way I came and seeing the bridge in plain sight. My grandfather wasn’t there anymore, he had gone down a small embankment to the water and traversed over some slippery rocks and was standing out in the water, casting his line. To the left of him, on the opposite side of the bridge was my father, casually casting his line and clearly having more fun than I was because he had his basket nearly filled.

I remember standing on that old, worn bridge and thinking to myself that life couldn’t possibly be more care free. There we were, three generations of my family doing something together that we enjoyed. My grandfather whipping his line back and forth over his shoulder, my father casting his line out to the side of him and myself, now sitting on a bridge, knowing I wouldn’t catch anything that day but still kept my line in the water anyways. I feel like that day was more than just an outing. I feel like it was a moment that my dad wanted me to have. I believe he felt like it was important enough for me to get away from everything I could be worrying about and just breathe. So I sat there with my eyes closed, unable to hear anything but the rushing water on the rocks beneath me, looking up occasionally to see my father and grandfather talking to each other and laughing. It’s a day I’ll never forget. I think it’s a memory I’ll always hold onto.

“Spring”

Waiting for a moment

where looking through foggy glass

changes into staring deep into a star lit evening

as our very souls begin to feel more active

listening to each breath turn into excitement

breaking the silence of a chilled and frozen view

dawn brings a new beginning

the blinding light of a renewing warmth reflecting from the earth

as if there were two skies

thawing which seemed to be never ending

while new color shines light into life

and the skies reach further into our hearts

from horizon to horizon.

Untitled

Just take the breath straight from my lungs
whisper to me the sweet nothings I’ve come to love
hold me in your heart as close as I hold you in person
and take the earth from beneath my feet.
See me the way that I see you
a touch, a moment a single strand of hair
as my world and my vision is focused on you
breathe life into me as you light my soul on fire.
The silence is deafening so please speak my name
dance with my heartbeat as yours beats as fast
slip with me into a dream as we embrace
let me hold your head to behold true beauty.
A thought which remains nearly a memory
the flash of our past with a smile following
a glimpse into happiness and into the unknown
place the crown upon my head for you make me a king.

December 3rd, midnight ramblings.

If you could go back to your five year old self, what would you say? Would you just give encouragement to try and better your own life or try and convince yourself that you would rather just let things be? Would you try to tell yourself that you want to take a certain path with a specific career or would you try and put yourself on a more difficult path because you know you could handle it? It’s definitely one of the more difficult things to ponder upon. It’s difficult to image what your life would be like if you chose to make better decisions sooner, but I guess that’s human nature to want to go back and tell yourself what your future could be like if only you made the right choices. But then again when you’re five, the right choice might be whether or not to color the sky green or not.

If I could go back, I’d tell myself not to worry so much. I was always worried when I was a kid. I always worried about living up to my older siblings and wanted to be better than them at everything. I worried about my family noticing me for who I was instead of focusing on my mistakes. I worried about what people thought of me too much and I feel as though that had a major effect on the way I acted. I was energetic, but I was timid and this led me to want to be on my own more and focus on things that directly envolved myself while trying not to bother anyone else. I would go back and tell myself to be more creative and outgoing that I had been, to always believe in myself more than anyone else could as well as tell myself to always mingle and try to make more friends than I had. One thing is for sure though, I would have told myself not to color within the lines so much and that you can always add to something to make it better. Not obeying the rules sometimes is what makes life just a little more exciting, as long as it doesn’t get you in too much trouble.

Now that I’m older and I get a chance to reflect on the way I was and the way I am now, It gives me a chance to think about my family more. I have a nephew and two wonderful nieces who I hope will succeed more in life than myself or their parents ever could. They’re a bright bunch of kids with immensely bright futures before them. The girls seem creative and always pushing themselves to learn as much as they can. Then there’s Mason, my nephew. It’s scary how you can see yourself in someone that’s a lot younger than you but understand completely that he’s trying his best but still likes to joke around, have fun and relax to some video games. All I can hope for them is that they push themselves and become motivated enough to do what they truly want to do in life. Whatever will make them happy is what we’ll support them doing.

If i had to give a message to each one of them, I’d tell Taylor to keep being creative and imagine new things that no one else has. I’d tell Abigayle to be more like her mother, that’s for sure, but also keep drawing. I enjoy seeing her drawings because it also reminds me of how I was. I’d tell Mason to keep playing games and create his own identity that he thinks everyone will look up to. I know it sounds odd but I know now from years of experience that it will help him focus and be more determined when it comes to everyday things and decisions as well as better prepare him for a future of awesomeness. One thing I’ll be sure to remind them though is that they shouldn’t let anyone bring them down or tell them that their hobbies are distracting them from real life. It’s what they want to do and we have no way of knowing if they’ll become famous for it eventually. Hopefully if they do, they’ll remember me and buy me a nice house, though.

November Ramblings 23/11/2014

I’ve always found that the most difficult thing in life is finding people you connect with enough to consider friends. I’m not the type of person to just randomly walk up to someone and introduce myself. Seeing people and meeting people face to face. But every now and then I just see something in someone that just screams to me “I have to get to know this person”. I can’t really describe it, but it’s a feeling that will nag at my mind until I give in to it. I see something in someone that reminds me of myself or my favorite things and I guess it becomes irresistible. They might be the most ordinary or extraordinary, but most times they turn out to be crazy, fun and definitely worth the chance. It’s not often you come across people that you feel as though belong in your life and you feel as though without them, your life wouldn’t be complete. Every once in a while you meet people who you feel as though have broken away from your very soul and returned years later to tell you the stories that you’ve missed out on.

A lot of the time, you get to know people, grow up with them and suddenly, they aren’t there anymore. It could be from just clashing opinions to the situations we face or from lack of interest. The funny thing is, we always seem to get past whatever it was that came between us and sometimes even forget for a time but then remember the good things that brought us together in the first place. It’s really important, for obvious reasons, that we never forget what built a foundation for us to get to know people. It’s difficult to remember sometimes but eventually something will spark in our minds to casually let us ponder upon the moment where we’ve first thought “I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but you’re weird and I like it”.

I’ve come to realize that I have so many people in my life, an increasing and unique population of people that make each day as bright as I could ever need it to be and then some. Whether they be acquaintances, random people from the internet, family or close friends, we’re all caught in a net of being connected to each other somehow. It could be something as simple as watching the same kind of television shows to being in the same confusing situation, brought together by the need to solve an issue by working together. Either way, we find a way to stay close to the people we come to care about and not feel badly when leaving others out of the circle because we know that, eventually, they will find the same things we have, just through other people.

People often tend to “lose their way” on their own path that they choose. I know from personal experience what it’s like to feel like you have nothing or no one around to keep your mind distracted from things that are bothering you. I’ve been dealing with social anxiety for a while now and it never gets any easier alone. But as soon as you find those few people who you feel completely comfortable with and that you can’t live a day without, things begin to get better. You feel more free and feel as though an incredible weight is lifted off your body enough to look up and hold your head higher than before. Other times you find things to do to get your mind off of the people that mean most to you and attempt to take a break from the strain of not being able to connect with people the way you believe you should.

Just don’t worry. In time, everything comes together. Old bonds arise once again, completely new bonds form and from this, a new net is formed to reflect who you are. Without your friends who create the net, there’s no one there to catch you if you fall. The bonds you create that keep the net together. The connections you keep define who will be there to help you back to your feet. It isn’t a one way road, there’s always give and take with every relationship you come across. The key to all of this is to help keep someone else’s net as strong as they make yours so that you can help them if they need you. You’ll never truly know someone, only the person they choose to show us. The main thing is to believe in the people that matter to you because, after all, they’re the ones that make you feel as though you matter.

October rant and random thoughts

Some days feel more tough than others. I sit here, constantly thinking about everything going on and taking things day by day, hoping everything will work out. Hearing each breath I’m taking, staying quiet enough to hear each heartbeat pump through my body. Caught within a storm in my own mind that I can’t control. I know I’m not the only person to ever feel this way even if sometimes things are seemingly shutting down in front of me and shutting me out. Some days, I feel lost and hurt. Other days, I’m overjoyed to even be awake. Finding reasons to get up out of bed in the morning is, for the most part, one of the more difficult things I’ve ever had to do. All I know is that I’ll be alright, in one way or another because I’m too damn stubborn give up on myself or keep myself from trying.

A lot of people won’t agree with me on this topic, but I feel as though everyone feels loss in their own unique way. If it’s someone you love, someone you’ve known or someone you haven’t even heard of before until that point in time. You hear people’s voices, read their stories and think to yourself “What would I have done in that same situation?”. The answer isn’t as simple as everyone would believe. It isn’t as easy to choose to believe that things will never be better than they are or trust in ourselves that everything will be alright and maybe even better eventually. Whether we like it or not, we will all experience loss. No matter who you are or where you come from in the world, it’s the one thing that’s absolutely inevitable. But the good side of all this loss and all of this pain is that others have gone through something similar. It may have not been exactly what you yourself have faced, but you never have to bare alone.

In my own personal opinion, there are three paths and choices people make with every thought. They are “This will never be good enough” the negative path, “This is as good as it gets” the positive path and “This can be so much better” the progressive path. I feel as though every decision we make will first rely on one of these choices. Take for instance something as simple as going outside during a day. You could decide “I won’t go outside today, even if it is nice out”. There’s “Okay, I’m outside, but I’ll go around the block for a little walk. That would be pretty good”. Then there’s “Yesterday I went around the block, maybe today I’ll go further”. Our smallest decisions may seem minuscule compared to our normal goals and aspirations, but they all have their own special place of the jigsaw puzzle of life that we have to figure out.

In order to succeed, you need to fail first. The only way to live is to believe in yourself and don’t let anyone else bring you down or say you aren’t capable of doing something. They can’t judge your potential because it’s only something you know from your own experiences. Never be afraid to make mistakes because everyone has. The reason why we make mistakes is so that we can learn from them, dust ourselves off and see things from a different perspective. We may not be able to choose the life we were born into, but we can choose who we will become and carve our own path. The road that leads you to better yourself isn’t an easy one nor is it set in stone. It’s full of ups, downs and caverns that you have to try your best to walk on. It takes a lot to stay on your own two feet sometimes. Just remember that if you do fall, the only way left to go is up.

“Flux”

Every breath is a moment preserved

the earth beneath each footstep becomes more elevating than the last

with clouds seeming to dance excitedly though a sea of azure

making the air feel like a precious gift

wind forces its way through columns of aged grey stone

caressing the countless fortitude of hills to rest on an ocean of reaching arms

unwilling to release the last few leaves it holds dear

with another gentle touch of persuasion they break free from their bonds

brittle with memories of the life they once held onto

to sweep the ground with the friends they’ve learned to love

bringing nourishment for an upcoming spring

hope through contemplation.

 

The days are a shining heartbeat

mirroring frigid evenings that become prolonged

darkness intercepts the solace of Autumn

frost grasping onto all that it can to linger for a moment longer

vibrance above fading into menacing and unwanted shadows

distressing shrouds of a ghostly veil are draped loosely over strong shoulders

engulfing all that was once radiant and pristine

sending chills throughout a web of unrelenting cruelty

the dawn of countless descending crystals resting upon one another

breaking the silent abyss with bursts of vigorous light

revealing vast wastelands of purity

serenity through the eye of the storm.

Bitter nightmares are best forgotten

anchors that once held the earth down in suppression

lift like a sudden breeze becoming less daunting

eyes that sleep awaken to a new world of plenty

barren soil bursting with joy to replenish

rejuvenating happiness begins again in turbulent downpours

heavens weeping for the land they had previously given up on

replacing lifeless limbs with crowns teeming of foliage

returning the small reward bestowed with thankful expressions

verdant hands reach new heights in eagerness

overjoyed as if meeting the mothers they had yet to know

patience through understanding.

The mist of Spring deteriorates

rushing sunrise like a river overflowing of pink bellied salmon

chariots of warmth race through creation spreading prosperity

breaking the velvet petals free to unleash a blanket of luminance

remedying both mind and soul to surrender the body

each rainfall more welcomed than the last

refreshment to thirsty mouths buried deep beneath the surface

arcs of color bend through the clearing horizon

smiling upon the world below with confidence

unable to distinguish between a calm sea and the resplendent sky

reflections seeming to have no past or future

ageless through absolute beauty.

Keep going.

Don’t be the person people expect you to be. Be the person they least expect. Don’t waste time trying to prove yourself to everyone around you when the only person that can make a difference is already standing in your shoes. Never forget that you can’t possibly ever be replaced and that you’re valued no matter how you currently feel about the situations going on in your world. Never forget that there’s always someone who sees you in a different light than you see yourself. Learn to see things from a different perspective. Value the little moments that make you smile and fill your life with people that always manage to make your day worth living. Take pride in your accomplishments, no matter how great or minuscule they may appear. Set goals and work towards crossing them off your list, no matter how daunting or intimidating they are. Be happy, through everything.

Keep going.

Rant of the week 17/06/2014

 

I’m well aware that I’m not the smartest person alive by any means. It feels as though, over the years, it’s been difficult to be who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be like every other person I knew who followed a set path and had absolutely everything planned out perfectly in life. That just wasn’t me. Being from a small community where everyone knows everyone can sometimes be difficult. When everyone knows you and where you’ve come from, it’s difficult to make friends or even be social. As much as I sometimes miss home, I’m glad I made the decision to get out of there and stay away. It cleared my path and made me realize that not everyone has to conform to the regular definition of what life can be. Of course you still need a job and a home, things like that, but you don’t have to constantly worry about what will happen the next day or the next week even. Personally, I tend to worry too much. Sometimes it’s things as little as forgetting to write someone, other times it’s where my own life is headed.

The first month after I moved here, I became very home sick. I missed my best friend, some of my family and my room. Those are the few things I had that made me feel good about myself. I moved here and was fully aware that I knew no one except my mother and her boyfriend. It was difficult for me, it was like that for about two years. As much as I tried to get to know people and be more outgoing, it became more difficult. So I went back home. Hoping that everything would have been the same as when I left was obviously a niave thing to think, but I hoped for the best. Nothing was the same. I didn’t feel welcomed in the home where I spent a quarter of my life, my “friends” didn’t want me around because they moved on and got jobs and such, my family were mostly assholes as usual although my sisters made the trip bearable. The only thing that didn’t change, at all, was my best friend. Even though we spent a ton of time together, I felt something was missing. I made the decision to move back here and was completely determined to make a change.

I moved back, yet again. I had no money, knew no one still but I didn’t let it hold me back. I was motivated for the first time in my life. I felt more confident and through a strange series of events, I managed to land a job at the local gas bar. It was a life changing experience, believe it or not. For the first time ever I made friends with co workers, made friends through co workers and enjoyed working every day. Having an awesome boss who also happened to have an amazing family that made me feel like I was valued as a person made all the difference in the world. My co-workers never failed to make me laugh and I can’t remember a single shift at that job where I went an hour without a smile. I met so many great people, met a lot of really close friends and finally felt happy for once. I worked and felt nearly complete, but it always felt as though something was missing. As human nature goes, I wanted to find out what it was. So after nearly two and a half years, I quit… twice. I decided it was time for a bigger change, so I applied to a bunch of higher paying jobs. Through some sort of miracle, a friend got me a great job with even greater people. It was exactly what I needed.

Again I worked a job I loved, met even more people along the way but most importantly I met someone who I feel has changed my life forever. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for my best friend, Mandy. She’s by far the most dependable, trustworthy and reliable person I’ve ever met, but she also gets my odd sense of humor. The chaos of my mind met the barricade of knowledge and artistic alure that was her mind. It was awesome. She brings light into my life and I couldn’t be happier. Through being completely happy, I realized that I still want more for me and my own life. I want to create something more and be more as a person so I decided to get past all the emotions, anxiety and deep seated fear I had to try to move on and become who I truly wanted to be. I stumbled for a bit but then realized that I have much more support than I first thought. By falling and picking myself up, I’ve found friends old and new that make me feel more human and more humble each day. I have never been happier, nor have I ever been so grateful to have people in my life that I can always rely on to make each day a memorable one. So no matter if it’s sitting around watching movies, listening to someone practice the guitar in the early morning or spending the evening walking and talking, my life is what I choose it to be.

 

It’s overwhelmingly awesome.