I once felt as though I was stuck in life and headed nowhere. It was in 2013 and I had quit my job at the Ultramar gas station and spent the better part of 6 months living off what little savings I had. I remember at one point I stayed up for about 5 days, worried myself sick about what I was going to do in life because I wanted to be someone. I wanted to do well, succeed, and make progress in life, not for anyone else or any specific reason, I wanted this for myself. I wanted more for myself.
So, at the end of the 5 day movie, games, and food binge I was on, I passed out. I must have slept for a solid 10 hours. I had a dream that I could fly but ended up being caged in by these giant wires that would shock me if I got too close to them. There was room to go through without being shocked, but the fear of being shocked kept me from leaving. I remember waking up, laying in bed, and thinking about this dream for hours. I still think about it a lot to this day. I felt as though it was trying to tell me to try new things, take more chances, stop letting myself be caged in for no reason when I could be getting out and doing more.
I started meeting new people, I started a new job just a week later, I would go out to movies by myself or I would take a friend with me, I got my license, I would go on small adventures by myself, and all of this helped me clear my head. After 4 years of doing that job, I started to realize what I really wanted to do was help people, so I applied to work as a guard with the commissionaires and also decided to try for the paramedic course that was being offered in Goose Bay. I was successful and managed to pass the course, but had gotten an offer to work at the RCMP detachment, so I did that instead. Most of my coworkers were incredible, the officers that I had the pleasure of working alongside are all outstanding at their jobs, and I got to meet and deal with thousands of people from all backgrounds. I even got to travel for work at one point and hated every minute of it, but it was a good experience overall.
Now, I work a great job from home, I still guard for the commissionaires from time to time, but I really do love what I do. I’m bringing all of this up because I had that same dream again last night and I wasn’t afraid of the wires shocking me anymore. I look forward to what the future has to offer. I look forward to trying new things, working on getting healthy, getting better at my job, making new friends, and pushing myself to be a better person.
For the first time in my life, I’m looking ahead.
Thanks for reading
One time when I was like 10-11 years old, I was walking on the hills path up next to our first house growing up and there was a huge area of water that normally isn’t there.
For the people who lived in the area, there was a dirt road on the left that led to the dungeon and to the right was a bog, a burn pit for bonfires , and a fenced off garden. In the middle of that there was usually a grassy field with two hills where we would usually go sliding in the winter. It was the first time I had noticed all the water pooling, but we had enough snow that year to create the small pond.
I decided to go to the pond next to a farm just down the road and “trap” trout and bring them to the flooded area I found and released them. I probably did this for a good 3 weeks and those buggers actually started spawning. I would go there every day after school to check on them and would spend most of the day on weekends just wading through the freezing water with the fish swimming around.
After about 4 months, the water started to dry up. It really sucked visiting there every day and the water being lower and lower. So I started taking the fish back to the pond.
Not sure why I did it, but it was my own little thing that I think only I knew about.
Sometimes, life seems as useless as a half baked potato.
You can’t eat it, because its half raw.
You can’t replant it because its half cooked.
The problem is that the potato wont improve until its finished baking.
Find a reason to bake your potato, friends.
I had a dream
a wonderful dream
it was silent
but it was true,
I seen you there as radiant as the sun
and I was merely a man
but I would rather burn
than not reach out to you.
My soul escaped my body
but still I edged closer
unable to open my eyes
as I let our spirits clash,
my mind was adamant
I couldn’t be forced to subside
again I pushed forward
as my life had turned to ash.
So there I stood
casting an endless shadow behind me
knowing it would only get worse
I hoped I wouldn’t feel the pain,
but the darkness behind me diminished
as all I had been began to fade
in my heart I knew I’d rather hurt
than never have that chance again.
But that was just a dream.
I’ll be your shoulder
and keep you amused
I’ll be the one that randomly
brings you foods,
although not cake or bacon
because I ate them all.
I’ll be there for hugs
and always watch your back
stick things down your boobs
and between your butt crack,
I’m starting to think you only like me
because I’m tall.
But that doesn’t really bother me at all.
Because I’m not an asshole
but you’ll call me the biggest turd
even though you’re not a total bitch
you’re beautiful beyond words,
everything about you so far
kinda makes me pretty happy
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.
So, you know I’m good for cuddles
or something on Netflix
it’ll probably turn to something more
by now I’m used to all your tricks,
I’ll stay awake for most of the night
it’s like I’m protecting you from harm.
Your hair gets in the way a lot
it makes it hard to breathe
but I’m half scared to move a bit
because you’ll get mad at me,
but I just need to let you know
you’re drooling all over my arm.
It’s kinda gross.
But then again it’s nice that you’re right here
but you really need nasal strips
you snore like a motor boat
that’s grinding up wood chips,
I know I might sound just as bad
but at least I’m not distracting you from this movie
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.
I’ll even take you to dinner
somewhere really nice
I’ll order a bunch of things for myself
and I know you’ll order rice,
We both know you’re not going to eat
plain white rice and a crouton.
You’ll pick and choose things from my plate
and sneak things when I turn around
you’re like a ninja in the night
your mouth is full and you don’t make a sound,
and then I wonder where
half of my order had gone.
But you’re the highlight of my day
and it’s nice to sit and chat
even listening to the fourteen stories
you have today about your cat,
but I’ll sit and listen and nod
I’d do whatever makes you happy
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.
We will spend time out in public
late night walks through the streets
we’ll laugh and fart and be loud
thinking what the hell did we even eat,
Probably something a little more
than what you got from the menu.
things will suddenly get serious
as we’re staring at the stars
holding hands in our favourite place
only place I’d want to be, by far,
As long as I’m only there
There’s probably aliens looking at us right now though.
Alright, okay, you’re not so bad, I’ll take you home
you always make me smile
I can’t be serious while you’re in your underwear
never mind, there they go, that took a while,
I’ll teach you how to play some video games
once you get the hang of it, I’ll leave you be
I’m glad you don’t make my life hard
Just parts of me.
Patience is key. Laughter and happiness are gifts brought into your life inside of a box made from the hands of everyone that has helped you through your tough times. The lock that holds the box shut is made from the words and actions of the people who want to hold you back. As long as you have patience, you have what is necessary to keep the lock from closing. As long as it’s unlocked, you’re able to experience and appreciate the efforts of others in their every day efforts to lift your spirits. The nicer you are to people, the easier it is for them to open their own boxes to discover what makes them happy and help others in the same way.
I went to sleep early Monday night, around 11:30pm. I ended up waking up from dreaming and thinking about some friends, hoping that they were doing well but I couldn’t get back to sleep. So, around 2:00am I decided to go for a walk. I slowly made my way down the road and looked up, realizing that the skies were alive with the northern lights. At first, they seemed dim and I kept walking, still slowly down the road where I lived a year ago. It felt like the further I walked, the more the skies lit up. It’s funny how something as beautiful as the night sky becomes even more spectacular from time to time. Again, I kept walking, watching the sky and realizing that it was the most carefree I’ve been in a long time. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve moved out into a friend’s place. I’m starting to pull myself together, looking forward to things to come and staying optimistic about everything happening. A year goes by pretty quickly and as I strolled down that road with the sky lighting my way in a way I’ve never seen before, I started thinking that it doesn’t matter how far away things seem or how bleak they may be, with time everything falls into place. I began to get closer to home. The darkness of the night started to fade with the blue of the upcoming sunrise and I felt truly happy. It’s something that I never want to let go of. All I know is that the older I get, the shorter distances seem and the more thankful I become for the people in my life.
I want to feel your kiss
and to be called yours
too long I’ve been the earth
and you have been my sea,
I’ve been looking out upon you
from stone riddled cliffs
wanting your love
to wash over me.
I would reach out for miles
wanting to hold you
falling apart piece by piece
but you could only wave,
I cover myself at night
confined to what little comfort
from the sandy blankets
that we have made.
You are the moon
to my star lit sky
making my view more amazing
than I ever thought it could be,
still I desire you
only to embrace you as my own
for I am your earth
and you are my sea.
It’s funny how things come to mind, even after a decade of not thinking about it. I remember one morning I woke up and my dad told me that him and my grandfather were going trouting the next day and he asked if I wanted to go. I remember that being a particular strange week for me because it was report card week in school and naturally, I hadn’t done very well, so it was definitely a surprise that he asked me to go with them. So for a few hours I sat in my room and thought about it and eventually decided to go.
I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to fix my rod and reel because it had become tangled. It was just a regular run of the mill rod and reel you can get at any hardware store for under twenty dollars but it was the only one I had and it felt pretty great to fix something. My father and I ended up going to visit my grandfather to make sure everything was going to go as planned and we could just get up and go the next morning. While we were there I found out that he preferred fly fishing and had a hand made pole with a cork grip that he was planning on using, the kind of rod that looked like it took a lot of time and effort to make and was maintained regularly. My father and my grandfather rummaged through old lures and flies that they would use the next day and as we left, my father made sure to remind him to bring his trouting basket with the old leather strap on it which looked like it was fashioned from an old belt. My grandfather seemed to scold my father as if to say “of course I’ll bring it, I’m not senile yet”. I remember the drive home and the excitement on my fathers face. I was certain he had gone insane, but he was happy about it.
I woke up the next morning, it was early, the sun wasn’t up yet and my father was just outside my room in the kitchen making himself breakfast. I chose not to have anything because I knew that he would stop into a gas station and grab some cookies, chips and drinks for the day to snack on. I got ready and stuffed an extra pair of socks in my coat and got a bag together of some licorice and a bottle of water. After grabbing my gear and throwing my items into my dad’s blue pickup truck, I began to get excited for the day even though I found it unusual to be awake that early. We then proceeded down the road with no seat belts on because that’s how we did things when I was a kid. We got to my grandfathers house and he waddled out of one of his sheds in full rubber gear to the truck where I got out of the front seat and sat on the less comfortable seat in the back. My grandmother waved from their doorway as we pulled away from their house and finally, we were on the road to start the day.
We were headed from Bonavista to Port Rexton, which was only about a half hour drive if you were going around the speed limit, but first the truck needed fuel. I knew this would be a great time to make a request as to what I wanted my dad to buy me while he was in the shop but unfortunately he had gotten out of the truck before I could decide. He came back to the truck, handed my grandfather a small bag with some items in it and he tossed me a bag with things in it too. Sour cream and onion chips, a Reeses peanut butter cup bar and some pepsi. It always amazed me that he knew exactly what I wanted.
He then started the beast up and pulled out of the gas station parking lot and made for the highway. I was half asleep already, my small lunch was nearly gone at this point, the sun was just starting to break over the tree covered hills and my dad, being the classic man that he is, popped in his very memorable mixed tape. I had spent a lot of time in vehicles with my dad from the time I could remember to the time I graduated high school. I can remember at least seven vehicles that didn’t withstand the test of time but somehow that ridiculously relaxing tape had survived. From Kid Rock’s “Only God knows why”, Ozzy’s “Crazy Train” and Prince and the Revolution’s “Purple Rain” to Metallica’s “Turn the Page”, 51-40’s “Casual Viewin'” and The Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz”, that tape had it all. Those songs will be burned into the deepest corners of my memories to the point that if I ever get amnesia, at least I’ll still have something from my childhood.
After what seemed like forever and darting in and out of being asleep, we went up a long hill where there was a small area for us to pull in. We got out of the truck, grabbed all of the gear that we brought with us and started down through the trees to my fathers favorite trouting spot. My grandfather had a little difficulty because he was old and had issues with his legs, but he kept going and was determined to put his hooks in that water. We kept going over rocks and through trees with vehicles going by on the road to the left of us over a hill. We kept trudging through the forest and moss until we got to a rushing torrent of water and an old, rickety bridge that had seen better days. That’s when we split up and started hunting for a spot where we would spend the remainder of the day.
My grandfather was a little eager. He ended up taking out his multitude of flies and tying one on right there on that bridge and decided to drop his line into the rushing water. To my amazement he was the first to catch something and gave out a bellowing “I got one” Just so my dad could hear him, wherever he had gone. While he kept at his shenanigans on the bridge, I figured I’d head out to a small point near the waters edge where I would cast my line and that’s when I noticed my father was about a hundred feet away from me to my left, further down the shoreline. I got my bait ready and started casting when I heard my father call out that he had gotten a fish, finally. By this point I was sure that my grandfather had caught half a dozen, either that or he was just singing to himself.
I had a few nibbles on my line but it was clear to me that the two older gentlemen were catching everything in sight and were leaving nothing for me. I decided to attach a bobber to my line, wedge my rod between a rock and a tree, then proceeded to sit down and just wait. After getting tired of waiting, I started up through the trees between where the bridge was and where my father had been. There wasn’t much to see, a few squirrels, some birds but all together an underwhelming experience. I didn’t want to stray too far so I thought I’d turn back, maybe by now something had to have been on the end of my line. I remember heading back the same way I came and seeing the bridge in plain sight. My grandfather wasn’t there anymore, he had gone down a small embankment to the water and traversed over some slippery rocks and was standing out in the water, casting his line. To the left of him, on the opposite side of the bridge was my father, casually casting his line and clearly having more fun than I was because he had his basket nearly filled.
I remember standing on that old, worn bridge and thinking to myself that life couldn’t possibly be more care free. There we were, three generations of my family doing something together that we enjoyed. My grandfather whipping his line back and forth over his shoulder, my father casting his line out to the side of him and myself, now sitting on a bridge, knowing I wouldn’t catch anything that day but still kept my line in the water anyways. I feel like that day was more than just an outing. I feel like it was a moment that my dad wanted me to have. I believe he felt like it was important enough for me to get away from everything I could be worrying about and just breathe. So I sat there with my eyes closed, unable to hear anything but the rushing water on the rocks beneath me, looking up occasionally to see my father and grandfather talking to each other and laughing. It’s a day I’ll never forget. I think it’s a memory I’ll always hold onto.
Waiting for a moment
where looking through foggy glass
changes into staring deep into a star lit evening
as our very souls begin to feel more active
listening to each breath turn into excitement
breaking the silence of a chilled and frozen view
dawn brings a new beginning
the blinding light of a renewing warmth reflecting from the earth
as if there were two skies
thawing which seemed to be never ending
while new color shines light into life
and the skies reach further into our hearts
from horizon to horizon.